Piadas em Inglês: Fancy Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Cf. Mais Piadas em Inglês

Piadas em inglês: DUI

DUI

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the Driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0%. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Cf. Abreviações: Dirigir alcoolizado
Cf. Expressões Idiomáticas: DESIGNATED DRIVER

HUMOR

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

HUMOR

A Polish immigrant went to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"If I can read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"

HUMOR

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies:
- Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor:
- Well, what's the girl's name?"
The doctor says:
- Denise.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor:
- What's the boy's name?
The doctor replies:
- Denephew.

HUMOR

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies:
- Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor:
- Well, what's the girl's name?"
The doctor says:
- Denise.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor:
- What's the boy's name?
The doctor replies:
- Denephew.

Humor: Only in America...

Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

HUMOR

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

HUMOR

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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HUMOR

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

HUMOR

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

• Specificity
• British Constitution
• Passive-aggressive disorder
• Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

• Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
• Nope, no more booze for me.
• Sorry, but you're not really my type.
• Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
• I'm not interested in fighting you.
• Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
• No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
• Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

HUMOR

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

HUMOR

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

HUMOR

Bad spelling makes me sic.